It's also the name.
In all seriousness (pretending that his hair and his name aren't actually things that bother me), Ephraim Goodweather is the worst thing about FX's new series based on the trilogy of novels by one of my favorite directors Guillermo del Toro. The Strain was incredibly slow out of the gate - attempting to focus on multiple story lines that all felt like they were taking place in different shows rather than simply in different locations. As it made its way into the middle and now end of the first season, the show has improved. It has managed to remove some access, unimportant story lines and connect all of the major ones in a way that feels natural rather than forced. New pairings have cropped up, the action has steadily been increasing into all out panic (even though in the last few episodes things seem to be stuck in neutral) and it seems to finally be figuring out what kind of show it wants to be. Yet throughout all of those positive changes, one thing has remained constant: EPHRAIM GOODWEATHER IS TERRIBLE. Absolutely terrible.
From the moment Eph Goodweather (again, a name that can only exist in a world where there are parasitic worm-controlled vampires) is first introduced, I knew he was an awful character. Everything about him is a cliché. For starters, he's a genius which, if you've ever watched a TV show, you know means he has absolutely no grip on his personal life. He also, because he's so much smarter than everyone else, has to have at least one quirky trait that sets him apart from all the plebeians. In Eph's case, it's the mystifying reveal that he drinks milk at the scene of a major outbreak because of course he's an alcoholic and it's not like there are things like tea or coffee or soda or water to tide him over. (They just don't give you that sweet, sweet bovine buzz!) Maybe the worst part, however, is how as soon as he gets to work the entire arch of Eph being a control freak unable to accept and stop the dissolution of his marriage goes out the window. While he actually is the boss at the CDC, none of that controlling personality comes out in any of those scenes. All of his scenes with his family add up to a backstory that only matters when it's time to talk about it.
He's also the worst CDC worker in the entire history of the world (I hope). First off, let's talk about his family which "means the world to him." Look, I know the prospect of losing your wife and son is an unbearable feeling. I get that. But to completely forego all of your responsibilities at the CDC because you're too preoccupied with the custody hearing for your son? He himself mentions that this new "outbreak" is unlike anything they've seen before. If that's the case, how hard would it be for him to call and explain that he needs to reschedule the hearing BECAUSE THERE IS AN OUTBREAK THAT COULD WIPE OUT ALL OF NEW YORK! If he were just honest with them and said, "Look, I've never seen anything like this before. People could be in some really serious danger if I don't find out what's going on," I think they'd understand. But of course that doesn't happen and he goes to his custody hearing anyway. And of course his son requests that the judge give his mother full custody because it's what he thinks is the right thing for his dad. Did I mention that Eph's reignited the affair with his coworker Nora, the same coworker that helped break up his marriage in the first place? Because, yeah, he did that too. Even when he does finally do his job, he doesn't go out to the public with his findings or really tell anyone what is happening. Not to mention that when he is confronted by Setrakian (the resident vampire expert), Eph consistently refuses to believe anything he says even though the mysterious gentleman with the sword cane is proven right again and again. He won't even admit to the idea that these creatures are vampires or even call them that until well into the season (and even then he has reservations). Ephraim Goodweather's egotism and disillusionment are astounding.
But perhaps the most egregious thing that happens on Eph's watch at the CDC is the time where HE KILLS A FREAKING VAMPIRE AND THEN JUST RUNS AWAY because everyone thinks it's a much bigger deal that he got caught moving the body on tape rather than, you know, THE FACT THAT THERE'S A FREAKING VAMPIRE CREATURE TRYING TO KILL EVERYBODY! And he can't take his cell phone with him, no way. They have the power to track that thing. Without it he'll be much harder to find when he goes straight to his wife's house to warn them to get out of town. Good thing he remembered to leave that baby behind. Otherwise he might have been caught somehow faster by the FBI than the milliseconds it took when he went off the grid.
Eph's also one of the biggest dicks ever. I've already covered how he's constantly going on about his family and his son and how much he loves them while spending innumerable hours away from them and restarting his affair with Nora - having sex in his wife's bed while he's supposedly looking for his missing family and getting caught by his wife's best friend. But even more maddening is the fact that while Eph constantly talks about how he would do anything for his family and how they mean the world to him, when Jim or Fet do things because of their compassion and love for their own families or people they care about, Eph takes a huge dump all over them. He threatens to kill Fet multiple times either by his own hand or by banishing him into the vampire infested night and he punches Jim in the face and proclaims that Jim is dead to him after Jim does something morally reprehensible to save his wife's life. In the latest episode, this righteous indignation finds a target in the newest member to the crew - the British super hacker Dutch. Simply because she helped Palmer (one of the main villains who is mostly responsible for the outbreak) shut down the city's mainframe after Palmer offered her an unbelievable sum of money, Eph finds the right response to be telling her to get the hell out even though she's now just trying to survive like the others and doing everything she can to help the group. "Who put you in charge?" asks Fet. "THE CDC!!!" Eph replies. Eph's messiah complex is through the roof. He believes he is better than everyone, that he is perfect and we are all the imperfect ones. He believes he is the chosen one. Our Neo. The only one who can stop what is happening. Even Setrakian, who is the one that actually DOES know everything about these vampires and is right about EVERYTHING when it comes to them, is treated with wary skepticism by Eph. Eph is incredibly self-centered, clueless and completely delusional.
"Why does this make you so angry?" I hear you question through your computer. Well, friends, it doesn't make me angry so much as frustrated. And the reason Ephraim Goodweather is so frustrating to me is because he's the main character in The Strain and he makes it a worse show. He's doesn't feel like a real character. Let me clarify that. No character in The Strain feels like a real person. But Ephraim Goodweather doesn't feel like a real character in the universe of The Strain. He doesn't behave in the logical ways a real life person would behave, but he also doesn't behave in ways that are logical to characters in the show. Why is he repeatedly lashing out at these people who are only trying to survive and help him survive? Why is he still in a constant state of skepticism and mistrustfulness when he's experienced everything he's experienced? In addition to this, his character's relationships and interactions as the worst of any character's in the show. Unlike actually interesting relationships like the surrogate father/son bond between Setrakian and Fet and the budding friendship between Fet and Dutch, there is no growth or progression in Eph's relationships. No matter what happens with Eph, it's always a mix of "I love my son," "I have to find my wife," "Hold me close, Nora, I can't be alone tonight" or "I hate you, I'm going to kill you if you don't get out of here." He doesn't evolve, he doesn't change or do anything out of character. He's as clichéd and one-dimensional as a character can be.
In a show where you're the main character and you are both the most unbelievable (that's including a Holocaust surviving, pawn shop owning, cane sword wielding geezer and a misunderstood, extremely intelligent Russian rat-catcher) and the most hated (that's including an ancient worm-like Dracula, a sadistic vampire Nazi and hordes of the mutated undead), there is a real problem.
That problem's name is (appropriately) Ephraim Goodweather. And he's the worst thing about The Strain.
